Yes, the new hires make more than you, the company party was a bit of a disaster and open enrollment won't bring anyone joy. Please keep those suggestions coming!
Dear Loyal Employees,
Thank you so much for, uh, working with us for the past few years! Employee loyalty is very important in our business, and we're happy that you are happy here.
I just wanted to take the time to say thank you and go over a few questions that have come my way.
Yes, the New Hire Makes More Than You Do
Jane, the HR assistant, accidentally left the salary list on the shared printer and everyone saw it, and those of you who earn less than people doing the same jobs who happened to be hired two weeks ago are understandably upset. We'd like to direct your anger toward the finance department who mandated that no one have a private printer anymore. If they hadn't taken away Jane's printer, this wouldn't be a problem.
You see, in order to hire new people, we have to pay market rate, but since it takes tremendous effort to find a new job, most loyal employees won't jump ship for a few thousand dollars. Please know that, even though your salary is a bit low, we still value you very much!
The Annual Party!
I am so pleased that so many of you and your plus-ones came to the annual party! A good time was had by all, except for the cleaning staff. In the future, we'd appreciate it if you didn't act like frat boys on a bender, and kept all bodily fluids either in your bodies or in the appropriate bathroom receptacles.
Next year, we'll have two parties: one for executives, and one for all employees and their families. The latter will be held at the park and will be alcohol-free. Keep an eye out for the invitation!
Open Enrollment is Coming Up!
Health insurance is one of the most important benefits and we, in HR, make sure we find the best possible options for our business. As you know, this is difficult and can cause some controversy. This year, I'm excited to say, we have a variety of plans to fit every employee's needs: high-deductible plans, plans with the closest covered hospital an hour away and plans that require you to get all your prescriptions via mail order! There is something for everyone.
When your paperwork arrives, please look it over, and if you have any questions at all, do stop by. Jane, the HR assistant, will be happy to help you. She can print up any additional information you need and you can pick it up on the shared printer! As for the costs, please note that our costs have gone up considerably as well, and we're doing the best we can!
It looks like we're on target to meet our numbers, which means that bonuses will be coming out. Congratulations on a job well done! As always, we'll distribute these at the all-hands meeting, so make sure you don't miss it! The actual money will be directly deposited into your bank accounts, just like your paycheck, and we can't change this to keep your spouse from knowing you got a bonus. This question comes up a lot, so I thought I'd just get it out there.
If this will be a problem for you, we suggest you contact our Employee Assistance Program and ask for referrals to a marriage counselor.
The Suggestion Box!
The suggestion box is always a source of great joy for me, as I'm the one who opens it each week. Can I please ask, though, that you limit your suggestions to those relating to the business? The jokes and NSFW drawings are getting old. Facilities will be placing a security camera over the box. We won't be able to tell who made which suggestion, but we'll have a good place to start our investigation into who likes to draw. Remember, giving inappropriate pictures to the HR manager through the suggestion box still counts as sexual harassment.
That aside, please keep the real suggestions coming! That's how we got bean sprouts on the salad bar in the cafeteria, which has been immensely popular. Trust that we take every sincere suggestion seriously but, sadly, can't double people's salaries, fire people you anonymously accuse of improper parking or revamp titles to include "Avengers" references. We checked, and Marvel refused to give us permission.
Overall, thanks for your hard work! And feel free to stop by any time. Remember, employee loyalty is important to us and we hope we've earned it!
Your HR Manager
Be sure to also read An Open Letter to New Employees.