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An Open Letter to New Employees

Suzanne Lucas Suzanne Lucas

An Open Letter to New Employees

This article was updated on July 12, 2018.

Dear New Employee,

Welcome! We're excited to have you on board. This is an open letter to new employees because we want to make sure your first few days are as pleasant as possible. Then we'll start throwing work on you. But for now, welcome! Coffee is in the break room, and if you made it yourself, it's fresh.

Here's what you need to know to make your first few days as wonderful as possible:

Please Wander Around

Sure, we went over your benefits package with a fine-tooth comb in orientation, but we didn't tell you where the bathrooms are. While we know it's unlikely you'll catch pneumonia in your first week of work, we want to make sure that's covered. The bathrooms? Well, if you're not shy you can just ask someone. If you are shy, run around looking frantic until someone figures out your problem and directs you.

We Know Your Name, But Won't Tell You Ours

We sent out a business-wide email this morning welcoming you on board. We included your picture from your ID card (we told you to smile, too bad you didn't listen) and a brief biography. So, now everyone feels like they know you, so you'll have to forgive us for not introducing ourselves. We know who you are, and that's good enough!

Be Warned, Some of Us Are Quirky

Let us tell you about a few of our special situations here at our organization. You'll have to figure out who we're talking about on your own, but it should be pretty easy given the following clues:

  1. Bob likes "Star Trek." A lot. He speaks Klingon. Don't touch the figures on his desk, he gets really twitchy when people do that.
  2. Sue likes square dancing. She dances on the weekends and will invite you to come and see her. It's better to hide from her than to say no and have her sulk for a week. Good luck avoiding Sue!
  3. Don't put your lunch in the refrigerator on the second floor. We don't want to say why, as that would be rude. Just a fair warning.
  4. Steve keeps candy on his desk — for clients only. However, he takes an hour lunch from 12:30 p.m. to 1:30 p.m. If you want candy, that's the best time to get it. Don't throw the wrappers into your own garbage can or he'll find out you took it. We recommend the garbage can next to the fridge on the second floor.
  5. Don't talk to Jane until she's had at least two cups of coffee.
  6. If Harold asks you to get him coffee, make sure it's decaf. Trust us.

Paychecks

We know the reason you took this job is to expand your personal horizons and enrich your life. The paycheck is just secondary. For that reason, you won't mind if you don't receive your first paycheck for a month, right? If that makes your budget tight, food in the fridge on the second floor is up for grabs. After that initial month, you'll receive a paycheck every other Friday. Sign up for direct deposit if you don't want to spend all Friday trying to hunt down Barbara in payroll. She's very protective of paper checks.

Diversity

We believe in it, as you can see from above. So, stop and think — what qualities do you have that made us think you'd be a good fit for our diverse workforce? You'll have a chance to share those things at the annual talent show. Sign up at Steve's desk while you're there to get candy.

We heartily welcome you! We're happy to have you here and hope you enjoy it as much as we do. If you have any problems, my door is always open — largely because maintenance hasn't fixed it — but come on in anyway.

Sincerely,

Your HR Manager