HR is often misunderstood, but that's just because they don't understand us. In fact, if HR rules were implemented everywhere, your life would be much, much better. Here are 10 ways things would change for the better if HR ruled the world.
1. Onboarding for Everything
Think how onboarding would change your life. That guy you met on Tinder? He'd come with a packet that explained the benefits of dating him. You could make an informed choice before you spent an hour at Starbucks getting to know him. When you move into a new house, you'd get a tour of everyone else's house in the neighborhood, along with planned lunches for the first week. Awesome.
2. A Free Shoulder to Cry On
HR people are not therapists, lawyers or doctors, but we're known to sit and listen to you. While we'd prefer that you limited your tears to just work problems, we understand that family, friends and health difficulties affect your work. And we listen for free. An HR-ruled world would have lots of free listening ears. (Although, we'd prefer them to be licensed therapists.)
3. Parties? Check
HR gets the fun of planning the parties for work. Just think, they could take over and plan your personal parties, as well. What's more fun than a buffet carefully chosen to not offend anyone's diet? Errr, maybe this one wouldn't be so great.
4. Your Career? Planned
We hate not having a plan for the future. Sure, we focus on the organization's needs, but if we had the power we deserved, everyone would have a plan and we'd go over it once a year to make sure everything still applied.
5. A Lot More Firing
We really don't like firing people (honest), but if we had all the power, we'd start firing people from things other than their jobs. That woman who brings 12 items into the 10 items or fewer lane? Fired. No longer allowed to use the express lane. The dad who screams at the referee in the pee-wee soccer match? Fired. Can't come to games anymore. Politicians who renege on their promises? Fired and sent back to that dark hole from whence they came. (Note: We may run out of dark holes. We'll put a committee together to figure this out.)
6. Free Lunch Friday
Enough said. Everyone can see the value in this one.
7. Performance Reviews for Everything
OK, people don't like the performance reviews they get now, so why on Earth would you want them implemented in your daily life? Because they are good for you! If you got a yearly performance review on your behavior as a parent, a spouse, a neighbor and as a child for your aging parents who only wish you would call more often, you'd know exactly where you stood. You wouldn't get into a snit with your neighbor over exactly where the border between your yards is, because it would be clearly laid out in your annual reviews.
8. Recruiters Who Work for You
If you're the boss and need to hire someone, HR provides you a recruiter to help you find qualified candidates, but let's expand this to another area. You need new friends for your 10 year old? Here's a slate of candidates. You need a plumber to fix a non-flushing toilet? Our recruiter network will present you with a slate of candidates who have expressed interest in fixing your pipes, pre-phone screened for your convenience.
9. Wellness Programs
Yes, it involves a little prying into your life, but wouldn't you like a free fitness watch and a discounted gym membership, complete with a personal trainer named Sven? OK, Sven is only for the executives (sorry, budgets), but everyone gets a plan that helps them keep their health on track. We won't take no for an answer! Unless, of course, you have a disability, in which case, we'll make a reasonable accommodation.
For the love of Pete, would you all take some vacation? We would fight for your vacation time, and you'd try to squander it away trying to catch up on work. We may have to consider making vacation mandatory.
What do you think? Is a world run by HR rules worth it? We didn't mention the massive increase in paperwork . . . but I'm sure we could automate that with the right HCM software. We can capture the data, track our progress and run reports showing everything would be better if HR ran the world.